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Thursday, October 29, 2015

Kyra, the "Light Princess"

We missed the deadline for the contest, yet still wanted to share this picture and the story of our "light princess".  This is our daughter, Kyra, pictured in the little pond outside her Granny's house when she was 1 years old.  Kyra has a micro duplication of the 22nd chromosome, which has caused mental and physical delays in her development.  We were told for 4 years that there would be a slim chance that we would ever have kids, then Kyra came along.  Her first 6 months seemed to be "normal", yet on Dec. 23rd, 2008, Kyra had a seizure and continued to have 100's more over the next few days.  Through a few different hospitals and being in ICU in Sacramento, CA, then referred to a Specialist we were informed of her disability and it was then that our life radically changed.  After that day, there has been nothing "normal" about Kyra.  She did not walk till 3, after undergoing casting and braces for abnormally tight hamstrings, did not feed herself till 4 1/2 due to decreased motor skills and still has yet to talk due to decreased mental skills.  This may sound like a sob story, yet it is not.  We have never had any other kids, so this is all that we have known.

Despite her disabilities, Kyra has become our "Light Princess".  We have often  receive  sympathy from people with Kyra, yet our answer is always the same...."Kyra doesn't know that she is disabled".  Due to this fact, she has been empowered with far more joy than most people can fathom.  Her smiles, her laughter, her dancing, her screeches of joy can bring the most downtrodden person to a smile and fill them with a momentary burst of joy as a sunbeam penetrates a grey cloud.  It seems as though our lives have become unbearable at times, with her disabilities and seizures on top of that, yet Kyra has never let that hold her back and her light shines bright enough to push us out of the pity parties that we sometimes have and we are able to bask in the joy light of this little princess and our worries and sorrows seem to melt away.

When we saw your latest album cover of "The Light Princess", it resonated with our Spirit and we saw Kyra as a younger version of just that.  We have gone through some difficult times, yet our light princess has been there each time to lift us up, shine her light and often times  lead us to the source of that light so that we might bask in it.  Although we may have missed the contest, we could not help but to share her picture and her story and show you our own "Light Princess".
Thank You for your inspiration,
David, Melissa and Kyra 

Friday, January 31, 2014

You're not what I want

I got a real eye opener today.  My beloved wife let me know that I am not, in so many ways, what she wants.  In fact, I was told that her whole life as she knows it is not what she wants.  She has no desire, nor has she ever of being a wife and mother, tied down to a home, and having to do the things she is currently doing.  She would rather be out, as a free spirit, doing her art, being able to be with who she wants to be with and having nothing to tie her down or tell her she needs to do anything, be anywhere or act a certain way.  Once again, I have stifled the spirit of a spouse.  I have created a life that they never wanted, and worked hard to provide for them a home and dreams that now seem like my own that they never wanted a part of.

I feel like I have no one to talk to, vent to or have be a sounding board for me.  I feel like all of her past; all the pain, all the disappointment, all the betrayal, all the sorrow, all the crap, is on me to make all better.  I was not a part of the past that wounds her so, yet now I am in charge of being the one to pick up the pieces, heal, mend and and repair, yet I feel utterly unequipped.  I feel as if she puts so much on me to fix things that have been broken for so many years that I wonder if it is even possible to do so.  I wish I had someone to tell me what to do.... someone that could look inside her heart for what she REALLY needs and be able to relate it to me so that I can be someone that she not only wants, but also someone she needs.

I have always thought of us as a team, yet today have realized even more that although she wants me to be the everything for her, she does not see me as a teammate, but rather as someone to meet all her needs, get all the blame and be a whipping-dog for her when she is down and a tool to give her pleasure when she desires it.  I feel empty, yet feel like I need to be full, for she sees nothing of redeeming quality in me.

There are so many areas that I need to step up in, yet where to start is always a challenge for me.  She let me know that my affection and attentiveness is not up to par with what she needs and desires.  She feels as if I am just going through the motions and only doing things because she has asked me to.  She feels unappreciated, undesired, unworthy and unhappy, and once again, I feel that it is all on me to fulfill these things in her life.  I only wish that I knew how to be the everything for her everything, yet last time I checked, I was not the Almighty, yet even this fact should not keep me from trying.... should it?

Now, as it stands, I feel more distant from her than I have in a long time, yet intimacy is one of the shortcomings that she is most frustrated about.  She blasts me about how I am not good enough at the intimacy and how I don't touch her, don't caress her, don't spend enough time being intimate, yet does it in such a way that the last thing I want to do it touch her and the last thing she wants is to be touched.... vicious cycle.

So... where do things go from here?  Not sure.  It would be nice for someone to come in with a magic wand, wave it over everything and POOF, have it all be better, yet am pretty sure that non of that is gonna happen.  Lord, please hear my cry and heal my marriage, heal my wife, heal my family and make things right.  Please Lord, I am crying out to you!  Give me wisdom, give me strength, give me encouragement and give Melissa the husband that she so desires.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Tired of being afraid

I am so tired of living my life in fear of how you are going to react or how "life" is going to effect you..  I love you dearly and enjoy my life with you; however, there are times that you text or call and I get a sinking feeling in my gut that something, someone or both has harshed your groove and you want to pull me in to it.  At times, I just want to help and to solve everything, yet for the most part, I just want you to pull up your big girl panties, face what others call "typical life happenings", deal with it and drive on.

Many times you get worked up about politics, your mother, FB posts and such, then almost lie in wait for me to make a mistake, so you can unleash all your anger and frustration somewhere.  I am tired of kissing your butt and feeling like I do not measure up or am not good enough for you because you have chosen to use me as your whipping boy.  I am not perfect and make plenty of mistakes, yet when I have to deal with the wrath you are feeling toward your mother, your cousin, my niece and nephew, or politicians or anyone who might dare to comment negatively on your political posts, it is a little unfair.  I should only have to deal with my own screw ups.

An example of this is picture day, October 7, 2013.  You were not feeling well and wanted to opt out and have me and your mother handle things.  I was feeling insecure about being able to pick out a good picture that you would be fine with when the pics came back.  I asked you if you could commit that to prayer that I have the wisdom to pick out the right shot.  I had no idea that you were dealing with feelings of being used.... by Phil... by Kelly... so when I asked this of you, you flew off the handle and treated me like a piece of crap.  You yelled at me, you cussed at me and you made me feel as if I never gave you any sort of slack on your days of not feeling well.... this being on WEEK TWO at least, of you not feeling well, doing very little around the house and having me wait on you quite often.  Don't get me wrong... you have NOT been feeling up to par and not only out of love, duty or anything else, but out of a deep desire to WANT TO, I have been doing what I can to aid you in this time that you are under the weather.

I use to get upset that I HAD to do this to stay in your good graces... I now do it because I WANT TO and I enjoy being there for you when you are not feeling well.  I really have been making changes, yet still get thrown in to the "you suck" cage when things don't go your way and I am tired of it.  I don't want to live in fear of your next outburst of rage and uncontrolled  fury.

Just to let you know, saying "I'm tired of it" does not mean that I will discontinue what I am doing, it only means that I am getting weary and feel that a little bit of me is dying month by month and I fear that there will come a day that I will be so heartbroken that I will lose the will to want to put up with your rage and outbursts any longer.  I am a good man, yet even I have my limits.  There is gonna have to come a time that you start dealing with your shit as you have demanded that I deal with mine.

It is a very Taboo subject, yet you are becoming, little by little, bit by bit, everything you hate about your mother.  Unbridled, mean, accusatory rage has become more a part of your MO than I think even you would like to see.  You are more bitter, angry and unforgiving than any time I have ever seen in our relationship.  We talk often about your mother driving your dad away with her negative attributes, and her still to this day only seeing all his faults and I see that happening with us.  I love you dearly and never have any plans of leaving your side; however, there may come a time that the protection of my daughters upbringing may over shadow my love for you and she and I will separate ourselves from you and leave you to your anger, bitterness and rage.

I love you dearly and will continue to love on you, comfort  you, be there for you, dote over you and try my best to not be the asshole I once was, yet please allow me to defend myself once in a while.  I am not perfect, yet strive to be the ideal husband for you.  I never want you to feel neglected, taken for granted or un-honored.  You are the only woman for me.  Please lighten up, stop letting crap effect you, and lets enjoy our time together and apart.  I love you.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

My Angel is 5

Well, here we are in the first few weeks of July, and my little angel just turned 5 about 3 weeks ago.  She is still the human incarnation of joy and is a delight to be around as she develops and is totally becoming an individual.

She lost her first tooth on June 10th (9 days before her 5th b-day) and another is loose right up front in her grill.  We thought that she might need a helmet, yet in watching her, it seems as if she is not only doing better with her balance, but when she does fall, she is falling on her butt or at least her side and elbow rather than doing face plants...lol.

She is walking, yet still is not able to get up on her own and is only getting down by "plopping", which she is not always so keen on.  She is starting to walk a lot without her braces.  Part iof this is due to the summer, and part is due to her doing so well flat footed.

She is still not talking, yet Lis and I are making her communicate more in other areas, from tapping her tray when she is done with a meal (rather than throwing her head back violently and whining), to tapping on the door to go out to the pool, to coming to us and being "let down" rather than just falling.

She is feeding herself as long as it it "finger foods"; ie, cut up sandwiches, cheerios, ect. She is not yet using a fork or spoon on her own.  She has progressed for a "straw-cup" to a "sippy-cup", and is doing well with tipping her head back.  She can drink out of a glass, yet ends up dumping it all over herself...lol.

There are still some big challenges, more for Lis than myself.  She has become clingy and needy, which results in her following a parent around and holding on to clothing or hand, which makes it VERY difficult to get anything done.  She will tolerate the pool as long as it is not TOO cold and she gets to watch her Little Einsteins as she sits in her little chair (what a life, eh?).

Anyway, that is my little angel.  Very mobile, yet still in need of lots of help and supervision.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Same Sex marriage

I was raised that a marriage is between a man and a woman, ordained by God and stated as so in the Word of God.  Recently, the Supreme Court has decided to over turn Prop 8 and make same-sex marriage legal in CA.  When this came up on the ballot, I voted for Prop 8, keeping with the values that I was raised with and voted that way I felt was right and biblical.  I was labeled as a hater of the LGBT crowd.  I don't hate these fine folks and I am not even against them being together, or having legal rights to be joined.  I just would prefer that they don't label it as "marriage".  Civil Union, or whatever they want to call it... give their partners legal rights to health care, and anything else that a man-woman union would have.... just not keen on it being called marriage.

As I have been studying the Word, I have even come to another little revelation.  I am almost keen on the union as long as there is no sex involved....don't laugh, my first marriage operated under this guideline for 4 out of the 5 years we were married, so I know that it is possible.  I really want all my friends who are gay to be happy and to know that I really do love them and support them in most everything they do.... accept this.

With the recent announcement of the Supreme Court shooting down Prop 8 and once again legalizing same-sex marriage in CA, I will accept the ruling and not make a big stink about it.  There are many things that I may not agree with, yet do not feel the need to make a huge deal out of it.  I disagree with the ruling of the Supreme Court.  I love all my friends regardless of gay, straight, bi, trans, or whatever.  My job, at this point is to love, love, love, as Christ did.  I would even go to a wedding of a gay friend, if invited, for I never want to alienate them in any way or give the impression that I look down on them.  Being a conservative, naive, kinda prude person, I might feel uncomfortable, yet I would show my support, non-the-less.

One of my biggest concerns is one of a legal nature.  Just because it is legal, should any pastor, priest or clergyman (or woman) be forced to do a wedding of same sex even if they do not feel comfortable doing so?  Could people file a lawsuit against such clergy for discrimination?  If so, is this fair?  Coming from a family of pastors, I have seen many times that couples have been turned away for various reasons by my family members who did not feel comfortable doing their ceremony.  Can this be a valid reason, or will this get them in hot water.  I have seen such reasons for not doing weddings as "too young", "un-equally yolked", "wrong reason for getting married", and the non committal reason of "I just don't have a peace about doing your ceremony".  If the last on was used and the real reason was "I don't do same-sex marriages", could the clergy get in trouble?

Once again, I just want to say that I will support my LGBT friends and am happy that they are happy with the decision that the Supreme Court made, yet if given a chance to vote on this issue, I would not be voting the same way the SC did.  I love all my LGBT friends.  I love you, I support you, I will the highest for your life and I want you to be happy.  God loves you, cherishes you and wills the highest for your life and wants you to be happy.

Post from Kris Vallotton on FB, Sepember 26, 2013:

Here my take on homosexuality for whatever it is worth; 
1-God planted two trees in the garden, a good tree and a bad tree. Therefore it is the nature of God to give people choices because the only way you can get a reward for doing the right thing is to have the opportunity to do the wrong one. So I respect the right of people to make choices without creating rules against those choices unless those choices infringe negatively on the lives of others. I would not therefore, be in favor of a law that made homosexuality illegal.

2-Homosexuality is not same-sex attraction. It is the desire to have sex with the same gender. It is healthy for men to want the attention and affection of other men, and the same goes for women. Jonathan and David had a soul tie and a love relationship that transcended the love of a woman. This is common among soldiers who fight together in the trenches of battle and build a bond as they struggle together in life-and-death situations. But modern culture does not know how to separate love and sex and therefore assumes every sacred bond must be sexual. This is simply not true! I believe that many people get sucked into homosexuality out of this deep desire to the boned brother to brother or sister to sister. Society teaches people that this bond is a homosexual tendency because it has no other box for brotherly and sister love.

3- I do believe that there are people that have same gender sexual attractions. I think it's real and not imagined. But being attracted to something that is wrong does not define you. For example, I'm a married man and therefore I am a one woman man by choice. Biologically I have the capacity to be sexually attracted to many other women but I have chosen through covenant to manage my appetite towards one woman. Therefore I am not define by the temptations that I resist. Instead I am defined by the virtues that I embrace. These virtues have become the boundaries for my appetite and they dictate what I allow myself to desire.

4-I have deep concerns that homosexuality is growing out of a misunderstanding of love and sex. When we teach people that the need for affection from the same gender is a homosexual tendency, it creates that mindset in people that have this need.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Know a tree by it's fruit

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to talk to someone about some things that have been said about me in the past few years and the role that this person took in those things.  They have been someone that, it seemed, held something against me, and chose to undermine me whenever they could throughout my career with the Forest Service.

They were rumored to have been the driving force behind the "verbal rape" that I received in 2010, and also to rally some fellow employees up to file a "formal complaint" against me soon after that.  They seemed to single me out a lot when I worked under them and when I got upset at their "pets" that they took under wing.  Most recently, it came to my attention that they "allegedly" went to my supervisor last year before I ever started work and talked smack about me and put a sour taste in that managers mouth for me.

Any-who... this is a person whom I have known to lie and embellish about the smallest of things, up to some pretty serious things just to make himself look better.  I have seen him "talk his way out" of a few sticky situations and have witnessed him in action personally weaving a story that he thought I and others were actually believing.  I never called him on much of these things, for his position was such that he could have thrown even more of a monkey wrench into my career than he already had.  It was easier for me to keep my mouth shut for as long as I worked for the government and hope that some day he might come clean and make things right.

Well... that never happened and I happened to be in his office yesterday.  Due to the fact that some of the fear that I had is now gone with my having started a new job, I decided to ask him about some of the different rumors and stories that had been told to me down through the past 4 years or so.

As I asked him about some of the different situations, I could see him get visually uncomfortable.  I am not sure if it was because he was feeling guilty or if my bluntness just made him uncomfortable.  Either way, I could tell that it was not a very fun discussion for him to be having.  Naturally, he denied everything, and even put some spin on parts of it to make it seem like he was not the diplomatic liar that he was made to be and that it was actually "others" that were guilty of some of the things I was discussing with him.

As I think about it and the track record that I have seen first hand with his embellishment and lack of integrity, I have to ask myself how innocent and "squeaky clean" he really is.  I really want to believe him, yet as a wise man said, you know the quality of a tree by their fruit.  Why would someone produce questionable fruit consistently  then all of a sudden be able to state that the fruit that they have produced is so good and healthy.  I just don't know what to believe.  One of the sources of info I received were, in fact a liar and embellish-er too, so I have taken that into consideration.

The Lord has laid it upon my heart to release the whole situation and pardon the person, no matter if they are lying or not.  I am pretty sure that the more I think and dwell upon this, the more it will eat away at me.... so.... once I get this down, I will release it in Jesus name.

Why record all this in the first place?  I do enjoy looking back and seeing how things played out after the fact.  There are things recorded over a year ago that seemed so huge at the time that the Lord has really moved in and have gotten so much better.

A New Chapter

A month or so, I was praying, as I was going through another nightmare session with EDD, that the Lord would open up a door so that I might have Full-Time employment, year around that would provide enough money to at least match or exceed what I was making at the Forest Service and on EDD.  Soon after I got this prayer out, I was approached by a good friend with some news.

One of the folks at the local Ambulance Service was resigning and they would need someone qualified to come in pretty quick and fill the position.  I went into the office a few days later and got an application and filled it out.  As a week or so passed, it came to my attention that I was the only one that had applied for the position.  The Board met and voted and I received the position, starting February 20th, 2013.

So, now here I am... the bookkeeper for Happy Camp Volunteer Ambulance Service.  I will be doing much of the financial stuff and am also "first out" Mon-Fri for medical calls.  An EMT-B class will be starting up in March and I should be a qualified EMT-B by Sept of thgis year.  It is an exciting opportunity and I feel that I will be able to do a pretty good job.

It is weird, as I put a bookmark in my employment with the USDA Forest Service.  For the past 6 ywears, they have been a major part iof my life and it is just going to be odd, once Fire Season starts, not to be as involved as I have been for the past half decade or so.  I really enjoyed my years with the Forest Service, yet I really did see that it was time for me to put a bookmark in that chapter of my life and start doing things that would keep me a little closer to home.

Kyra is already noticing my absence when she gets out of school each day and no being there for naptime and the evenings that I have had meetings and such.  It is going to be nice, though, during the summer to get to see her more, take my girls swimming and not be shipped out to a fire at the drop of a hat.