Tired of being afraid

I am so tired of living my life in fear of how you are going to react or how "life" is going to effect you..  I love you dearly and enjoy my life with you; however, there are times that you text or call and I get a sinking feeling in my gut that something, someone or both has harshed your groove and you want to pull me in to it.  At times, I just want to help and to solve everything, yet for the most part, I just want you to pull up your big girl panties, face what others call "typical life happenings", deal with it and drive on.

Many times you get worked up about politics, your mother, FB posts and such, then almost lie in wait for me to make a mistake, so you can unleash all your anger and frustration somewhere.  I am tired of kissing your butt and feeling like I do not measure up or am not good enough for you because you have chosen to use me as your whipping boy.  I am not perfect and make plenty of mistakes, yet when I have to deal with the wrath you are feeling toward your mother, your cousin, my niece and nephew, or politicians or anyone who might dare to comment negatively on your political posts, it is a little unfair.  I should only have to deal with my own screw ups.

An example of this is picture day, October 7, 2013.  You were not feeling well and wanted to opt out and have me and your mother handle things.  I was feeling insecure about being able to pick out a good picture that you would be fine with when the pics came back.  I asked you if you could commit that to prayer that I have the wisdom to pick out the right shot.  I had no idea that you were dealing with feelings of being used.... by Phil... by Kelly... so when I asked this of you, you flew off the handle and treated me like a piece of crap.  You yelled at me, you cussed at me and you made me feel as if I never gave you any sort of slack on your days of not feeling well.... this being on WEEK TWO at least, of you not feeling well, doing very little around the house and having me wait on you quite often.  Don't get me wrong... you have NOT been feeling up to par and not only out of love, duty or anything else, but out of a deep desire to WANT TO, I have been doing what I can to aid you in this time that you are under the weather.

I use to get upset that I HAD to do this to stay in your good graces... I now do it because I WANT TO and I enjoy being there for you when you are not feeling well.  I really have been making changes, yet still get thrown in to the "you suck" cage when things don't go your way and I am tired of it.  I don't want to live in fear of your next outburst of rage and uncontrolled  fury.

Just to let you know, saying "I'm tired of it" does not mean that I will discontinue what I am doing, it only means that I am getting weary and feel that a little bit of me is dying month by month and I fear that there will come a day that I will be so heartbroken that I will lose the will to want to put up with your rage and outbursts any longer.  I am a good man, yet even I have my limits.  There is gonna have to come a time that you start dealing with your shit as you have demanded that I deal with mine.

It is a very Taboo subject, yet you are becoming, little by little, bit by bit, everything you hate about your mother.  Unbridled, mean, accusatory rage has become more a part of your MO than I think even you would like to see.  You are more bitter, angry and unforgiving than any time I have ever seen in our relationship.  We talk often about your mother driving your dad away with her negative attributes, and her still to this day only seeing all his faults and I see that happening with us.  I love you dearly and never have any plans of leaving your side; however, there may come a time that the protection of my daughters upbringing may over shadow my love for you and she and I will separate ourselves from you and leave you to your anger, bitterness and rage.

I love you dearly and will continue to love on you, comfort  you, be there for you, dote over you and try my best to not be the asshole I once was, yet please allow me to defend myself once in a while.  I am not perfect, yet strive to be the ideal husband for you.  I never want you to feel neglected, taken for granted or un-honored.  You are the only woman for me.  Please lighten up, stop letting crap effect you, and lets enjoy our time together and apart.  I love you.