Happy or Right

It is often times so hard to practice what you preach.  I talk to and counsel people all the time on conflic management and usually wind up saying the words, "do you wanna be happy, or do you wanna be right"?  Most times, both are really not a possibility, so you have to choose sometime during the dispute, "happy or right"?  I am struggling with this right now, for I know that I am right, fee that things are unfair  and that the other person, if put in my shoes would cause a HUGE sting, cry "foul" and this would escalate in to something much more.... OR.... I would cease to do what is causing the conflict and choose once again, to be happy.

I am also confused about the term, "you make me feel guilty".  Usually, when I feel guilty, it is when I am doing something wrong, or doing something, on some level, that I know in my heart to be "not quite right".  The only way someone can "make you feel guilty", is if you care enough about that person that you care what they think about what you are doing.  If you feel that strongly toward them, that what you are doing makes you feel guilty, then stop doing what you are doing.  If you choose to do it anyway, then own up to it and know that you are being selfish and don't push the fault on the other person for "making you feel guilty".  Your choice, your guilt, I don't want it, you can keep it for yourself, thank you.

I feel like I am getting worn down sometimes and just want to be the total jerk that I use to be, but that solves nothing and I am slowly becoming someone else.... someone a whole lot less interesting than I use to be.... someone getting more and more use to being the whipping dog and have everything be my fault.  I feel guilty for other peoples flaws... I felt guilty as I was sleeping on the couch and Lis was hungry and too lazy to get up and fix herself something, so I did it.... why... 'cause that is the whipping boy I am these days and I felt as if it would be my fault if she did not eat and felt bad later in the day..... pretty warped, yet such is parts of my life.

Happy or right, Happy or right?  I guess I choose happy, for to be right with someone who is never wrong and has the potential to make your life no so fun if they wish, is just not an option.

Who am I?  I use to be Moukie.... now I am just the one who is here to make sure someone gets the ideal spouse (defined by them), and is made to feel small when someone else's need are not being met.  So... is the "Happy" just an act?  I am I really choosing conflict or no conflict, rather than right or happy?  I sure don't feel very happy.

Free Flow 12-19-11

Where mercy is given, mercy is received.  If your actions are based on the actions of others, you will never be fulfilled   That is NOT mercy.  Mercy is not giving someone what they really do deserve (punishment, the negatives of a bad decision, judgement).  To giver mercy is to come along side them when everyone else is condemning them and offer them a hand out of the situation free of condemnation and advise.  Melissa and I are struggling with this as I type.  There are those that need our help, yet they have really made some bad choices and don't "deserve" to be bailed out yet again.  The hard part is this.... I KNOW the Lord is leading to help them and be there for them.  We as humans can say "If they don't go through this, they will never learn and will always be expecting for others to bail them out".  The Lord looks at it and says "Do unto others as you would have them do to you".  To this, we can respond, "Yeah, well I would never screw my life up that bad and be that sad". And Jesus would reply "Pride goes before a fall".  "But Lord", we might say, "I am not being prideful, just stating a fact".  "Ok", the Lord may say, "Let's see how THAT works out for ya".  At this point, you know that the heavenly Father is disappointed, yet also know that He will not FORCE you to do anything.  This is where we are.  We know there is a need, we know the Lord has asked us to help, we have been burned and used before, yet will we obey, and if we do obey, will it be whole heartily, or only because we know we should.  I want to have the heart to do what I know we should do.

Bullies

Bullies. It is a term that everyone knows well. Most would say that they have been a victim, yet few will ever admit to being a bully. When I was younger, and I was bullied, people would often say that it was a "young peoples" thing and that as people grow up, they grow out off being bullied or being a bully. I am here to say that although this might seem to be the norm, there have been few times in my life that I have not felt bullied by co-workers, employees and sometimes those that are under me with threats of lawsuits or reprocussions.



I have never really been one of the "cool kids" and as an adult, I am still not there. I guesss that my having no desire to conform really has upset people for almost 3 decades. I always just wanted to be me, and calling others on being " just like everyone else" tends to get them a little edged. When I was younger, I often got picked on because I had a smart mouth. As I look back on things, I wonder if the opposite was true. I wonder if my mouth was my only defense, so I developed a smart mouth because I was getting picked on. I was small and an easy target, so I guess that it is hard to blame the bigger, more insecure kids that had no self esteem and decided that picking on me was an ideal way to make them seem better in the eyes of their friends.



There was one incident, that many have heard about, when I was tied up to a chain link fence at school and had my panyts pulled down in front of about 50+ of my peers. As if this were not enough, one student climbed up above me and dropped pebbles on my head. Many thought this was pretty funny, yet for a skinny 89 lb freshman, it was one of the most devistaing things of my life. It took me years to process the pain that I carried around for may years. In fact, I was deathly scared of one of the parties involved to where 20 years later, just the sound of his voice almost made me piss my pants. But unfortunatly, bullies are still in my life to this day.



Last year, there was a bully in my life that seemed to have the same motives as when I was younger. I was not like him and refused to conform to the way he and some of the others I was around acted. It reached a point  to where he gathered a group of people together to "corner" me and do what I can only call "verbal rape". They all stood there and allowed a few chosen people to tell me how horrible of a person I was and how they were repulsed by my humor and actions. Some of those people near by were people cheating on thier sposes, lying to thier spouses, drunks and a few others that had little or no integrity at all. My biggest sin was that I never condoned thier actions and let them know through my actions and speech that I was a man of integrity. This one man went as far as to make some suggestions that my physical body may be in danger if I ever chose to cross him. The result was the rest of my time around him fearing that I might upset him in some way and knowing that he had a kind of power over me that was unhealthy.  Although things eventually got better, just feeling that fear at being around someone and knowing that there was little I could do about it was defeating.  


Why do people bully?  

First Blog

I don't think I am much of a blogger.... more of a rambler, so I will ramble and see what comes out.  Even though it did not seem as if the time change was going to effect Kyra much, it was a little more difficult to get her down tonight.  This is partly because of the time change and partly because she has recently learned how to sit up, yet has not quite master the feat of laying back down.  A THUNK is usually the outcome and she has not yet realized that falling over in the crib is not near as bad as falling over on the living room floor.  So, the result is us putting her down, her sitting up, playing, then getting mad because she wants to lay down, yet does not want to fall down.  Melissa would go in there, lay her back down, cover her back up and kiss her goodnight.  5 minutes later, the cycle repeated.  Lis did this 2 or 3 times before she finally stayed down.  Success.

I am getting anxious to go back to work.  It has been 5 months and I have a little over a month to go till I can start my training again, hopefully complete a few of my taskbooks and open a few more so that I might further my career and make myself more valuable to the USDA Forest Service.  The crew has gone from 14 down to 10 and possibly even down to 9 this year.  This means that I will really need to step up, take more responsibility and possibly get more one-on-one training out on the fireline, on the Helitender, or on the helicopter.  It looks like I will get to drive the Helitender this year and be plugged in to some pretty key situations to getr where I want to go.  It really scares my dear ol mother for me to be up in a helicopter, yet for one of the first times in a long time, I am really enjoying the work that I am doing and feel that the Lord really has a plan for the next coming years and I am pretty jazzed about that.

So how about that for a first post? I am sure that I will come up with some far more interesting subjects, yet I just wanted to get some things down to see how it would look on the page.  Pretty silly, eh?