I got a real eye opener today. My beloved wife let me know that I am not, in so many ways, what she wants. In fact, I was told that her whole life as she knows it is not what she wants. She has no desire, nor has she ever of being a wife and mother, tied down to a home, and having to do the things she is currently doing. She would rather be out, as a free spirit, doing her art, being able to be with who she wants to be with and having nothing to tie her down or tell her she needs to do anything, be anywhere or act a certain way. Once again, I have stifled the spirit of a spouse. I have created a life that they never wanted, and worked hard to provide for them a home and dreams that now seem like my own that they never wanted a part of.
I feel like I have no one to talk to, vent to or have be a sounding board for me. I feel like all of her past; all the pain, all the disappointment, all the betrayal, all the sorrow, all the crap, is on me to make all better. I was not a part of the past that wounds her so, yet now I am in charge of being the one to pick up the pieces, heal, mend and and repair, yet I feel utterly unequipped. I feel as if she puts so much on me to fix things that have been broken for so many years that I wonder if it is even possible to do so. I wish I had someone to tell me what to do.... someone that could look inside her heart for what she REALLY needs and be able to relate it to me so that I can be someone that she not only wants, but also someone she needs.
I have always thought of us as a team, yet today have realized even more that although she wants me to be the everything for her, she does not see me as a teammate, but rather as someone to meet all her needs, get all the blame and be a whipping-dog for her when she is down and a tool to give her pleasure when she desires it. I feel empty, yet feel like I need to be full, for she sees nothing of redeeming quality in me.
There are so many areas that I need to step up in, yet where to start is always a challenge for me. She let me know that my affection and attentiveness is not up to par with what she needs and desires. She feels as if I am just going through the motions and only doing things because she has asked me to. She feels unappreciated, undesired, unworthy and unhappy, and once again, I feel that it is all on me to fulfill these things in her life. I only wish that I knew how to be the everything for her everything, yet last time I checked, I was not the Almighty, yet even this fact should not keep me from trying.... should it?
Now, as it stands, I feel more distant from her than I have in a long time, yet intimacy is one of the shortcomings that she is most frustrated about. She blasts me about how I am not good enough at the intimacy and how I don't touch her, don't caress her, don't spend enough time being intimate, yet does it in such a way that the last thing I want to do it touch her and the last thing she wants is to be touched.... vicious cycle.
So... where do things go from here? Not sure. It would be nice for someone to come in with a magic wand, wave it over everything and POOF, have it all be better, yet am pretty sure that non of that is gonna happen. Lord, please hear my cry and heal my marriage, heal my wife, heal my family and make things right. Please Lord, I am crying out to you! Give me wisdom, give me strength, give me encouragement and give Melissa the husband that she so desires.
